If you think I'm going to type out the title THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID every time I invoke ANACONDAS, forget it. Call this one SNAKE ORGY for short. 

Okay. If you went to this film, you were not looking for a spiritual/theological challenge. You weren't looking for an intricate, diabolical thriller. You weren't looking for gore. 

No--you knew exactly what you were getting into, and you were willing to enjoy the spectacle of a bunch of shallow characters getting the chance to become snake chow. You were willing to watch giant CGI snakes pop out at random and gobble people up. 

And that's exactly what you got. Now that J'Lo is no longer crucial to the success of a snake movie, they finally did the semi-sequel without her or Ice Cube (and yet we get a Latina and an African-American gentleman in prominent roles, all the same). The movie whips through the preliminaries, makes no pretense of serious plot/character development, and can't wait to throw the cast over a waterfall and put them in additional harm's way. Not boring, and more amusing than director Dwight Little's long-ago take on Michael Myers (H4). So there's nothing to complain about, right? 

Well... not exactly right. There's still something seriously wrong with this movie, and I don't think you'll get upset if I supply a spoiler. Still... 




Still with me? Thought so. You weren't REALLY planning to see the movie, right? 

Apparently, since Morris Chestnut is there to provide the level-headed black male to focus on, it was decreed that it was okay to include a "homeboy" in the mixture, as well. And not just any "homeboy." We're talking about a "homeboy" that bugs his eyes, complains about everything, babbles in terror and generally makes an excruciating, annoying ass of himself through the whole movie. (Oh, but he can't say anything stronger than "freaking," because we're in PG-13 land here.) 

The very worst thing that happens in ANACONDAS is a teasing bit in which we're allowed to think that one of the snakes has grabbed this guy (they try for the DEEP BLUE SEA effect here) and SHUT HIM THE FUCK UP ONCE AND FOR ALL! But, NOOOOO.... THIS is the ONE snake victim they're able to RESCUE! And RESUSCITATE! And he STARTS RIGHT UP AGAIN!!!! 

Never mind that the filmmakers paid too much attention to the recent MAD Magazine declaration that "Monkeys Are Always Funny" and that Kong The Monkey gets about a hundred reaction shots. It's "Homey the Clown" that prevents ANACONDAS from being as enjoyable as it could have been. 

Okay, as CGI snake movies go, ANACONDAS isn't as good as ANACONDA, but it's better than PYTHON 2. Knowing this, you're on your own.

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