Cursed

Okay, Dennis Miller has nothing on me. I'm going to rant now. You've been warned. 

I read all about it. Fangoria apparently thought CURSED was pretty good in its R-rated form. Then Dimension cut it to a PG-13. Of course, the film had already been re-written, re-cast and re-shot to death in the first place, and while I could tell where some gore was missing, I can't imagine how it would have made that big a difference. 

It's a werewolf film, by the way, in case you only saw the near-incomprehensible TV ads. Apparently, Kevin Williamson wasn't convinced that GINGER SNAPS had already covered the updated werewolf market sufficiently. Did we learn nothing from DARKWOLF? 

Can we count on Rick Baker to provide a decent werewolf? Of course we can. Is it something so special that we truly haven't seen it before and need to see it on the big screen to truly appreciate it? Of course not. Does the fact that Baker made a live-action werewolf spare us from reams of crappy CGI? Fuck, no. 

Wes Craven? He's a talented director who has earned his place in genre history. Nobody can take that away from him, and he deserves a happy, respectable, dignified retirement any time he chooses to take it. Doesn't mean that everything he touches turns to gold. Yeah, like I said, I know this one was cut first. But that doesn't change the fact that none of the scares work this time. Not one "jump" moment even made me flinch. The only bit that made me cringe at all was when the werewolf "keyed" a car without benefit of a key. The fingernails on a blackboard sound was amped for all it was worth, so you can imagine the results. 

Kevin Williamson? Go the hell back to Dawson's Creek or wherever the fuck you came from. Go. Go NOW. Don't EVER bother us again with one of your stupid-as-fucking-hell hipster scripts. You are NOT fresh anymore. You are NOT clever anymore. Hey, I appreciated the first SCREAM. I was not one of those who hated you the first time out of the gate. I did NOT have it in for you. But I'm sure as hell sick of you now. You are just as much a Hollywood "suit" as any of them, and you just think you're still fresh, funny, scary and clever. No. You're not. You're excruciating and annoying, and CURSED contains some of the most painful writing I've ever endured. I guess the actors believed in Wes Craven sufficiently that they made themselves speak the dialogue you so graciously provided for them. More's the pity. 

Oh, and the fact that you're gay? Couldn't concern me less. But is that what you had to make half of the film ABOUT? Come on, now. The bullies tormenting the male half of the new brother/sister werewolf team? How many times did they say "homo-homo-homo-fairy-fairy-fag-homo-homo-limpwrist" etc. etc. before you decided that the audience had gotten the point? And the "coming out" scene? Good grief, I SWORE that it had to be a dream--or a setup for a beating. Or SOMETHING. Just not REAL. You could NOT expect me to believe that scene... but apparently you did. And by the way, thanks for re-writing werewolf lore YET AGAIN for your own convenience. Silver isn't fatal anymore, eh? It just hurts a lot? You gotta separate the heart from the head? Fine. Just don't ask me to give a fuck. 

And the werewolf giving the FINGER! Oh, good grief, I laughed so HARD! It was so FUNNY to see such a moment in--wait a minute--was this supposed to be something resembling a "horror" movie? Sorry, my mistake. But I gotta hand it to you--you DID apparently connect with your target audience. The guy sitting behind me? The one who couldn't sit still and kept making my whole row of seats shake? Boy, when the bird got flipped, he just couldn't stop chortling and shaking like a bowl full of jelly. Congratulations are in order, I suppose. 

Hey, people--somebody wake me up here. It's only FEBRUARY? I've got ten more MONTHS of this year to get through? At this rate, I don't think that even I can make it. Maybe I'll just write 2005 off right now. Let's see... worst film, CURSED. Best film... oh, hell, I don't know. Let's say BOOGEYMAN. Middle ground? Hmmm... let's make it HIDE AND SEEK. In truth, I couldn't give crap less about a single one of those, but you want my year-end wrap-up, right? 

Give me a break--give me a rain check--wake me when it's over. But at this stage in the game, I don't know why I do it to myself anymore. 

Good night.

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