Blade Trinity

 doesn't matter if it wasn't on the level of a pure classic--it established the characters and the framework more than admirably and delivered the goods with style to spare. 

Oh, wait. That was the first one. 

A marked improvement--it added poetry and depth of character to the concept--remaining faithful to the director's established themes without sacrificing one whit of the fantastic action we've come to expect. One of the best films of the year. 

Oh, wait. That was the second one. 

If this is all they could come up with, I wish, I wish with all my might that they hadn't even bothered. 

Hey! NOW we've got the right movie! 

BLADE TRINITY is sad. Simply SAD. This is the sort of movie that thinks that we're all so in love with the character in the first place that all we need is for the rap/hip-hop/wocka-wocka soundtrack to kick in at a huge volume; for the KA-SHIIIINNNGGG! sound effect to slice across as Blade sheathes his sword; and to see Blade take the "ready for action" pose. Oh, yeah. We're for it now! We're cheering the roof off because BLADE is gonna kick some ASS! 

Horseshit. We have a right to care about the story, too. 

You know, when middling-to-low standards are set by movies like RESIDENT EVIL and ANACONDA, I'm perfectly willing to go along for the ride when a sequel comes along that plays the same notes but manages to be mildly entertaining. I'll even give BOA VS. PYTHON the nod as the best guilty video pleasure of the year. 

But when you get a buildup like the first two BLADE movies (especially the second one), you ought to expect something more than mindless thrills. That's why I'm less than forgiving with movies like ALIEN VS. PREDATOR and now BLADE TRINITY. 

Screw Whistler. He's an old man. Let's not spend too much time with the father/son relationship and the emotions involved there. Hell, they meant NOTHING to the first two films, right? Let's get some new people--some YOUNG people involved to team up with Blade. Let's invoke the most famous vampire name in history--tell us that all the Dracula movies were bullshit and then give us more bullshit (even though Dominic Purcell cuts a fine presence as the original vampire, one realizes by the end of this thing that there was no point whatsoever in trying to invoke the name of Dracula). 

Ooh! Let's cast Ryan Reynolds as a SMARTASS! Let's let virtually every one of his lines be cute and clever and insulting! Let's let the young people LOVE this guy while experienced veterans will scream for his head to be bashed repeatedly into a slab of concrete! 

Ooh! Let's cast Triple H as one of the vampire heavies! Hey--it worked for the Rock when he became the Scorpion King, right? Oh, but we can't make him TOO threatening... I know it! Let's undercut EACH and EVERY attempt he makes to be menacing with another RYAN REYNOLDS WISECRACK!!! (Good grief, I don't care if you're a wrestling fan or not, but this is NO way to make a movie debut!) 

Okay--we've got Jessica Biel (who certainly isn't bad at all here--it's not her part that her role is as cliched as everyone else's)... we've got indie queen Parker Posey (hey, let's give her fangs on a part of the anatomy we generally don't get to see in mainstream films... and even better, let's proceed to do absolutely NOTHING with the concept!)... we've got good old Wesley Snipes doing his best... we've got The RZA on the soundtrack... we've got it ALL! Who the HELL needs anything resembling a compelling STORY??? Let's just do UNDERWORLD with the ultraviolet light bullets again! Let's invoke the original Oz stories but not actually DO anything with them! (Nome King, my ASS.) Let's let approximately one hundred vampires explode into ashes! As long as we keep repeating THAT effect, we're entertaining the HELL out of you! 

I swear to heaven... there was so much WOCKA-WOCKA-WOCKA on the soundtrack that I decided I was going to rename the movie PAC-MAN. And whaddya know... and again I SWEAR that I didn't know this ahead of time... the name "Pac-Man" was given to a vampire DOG in the movie! Oh yes... it's got vampire dogs... and they throw THAT concept out the window, TOO! 

My friends, "bad" isn't the word here. The word is SAD. So very SAD--especially since they managed to cut a trailer together that showed a hell of a lot of promise. I was looking forward to this--truly. I wasn't expecting to hate it a bit. 

But I did. 


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