House of the Dead

Quite some time back, somebody anticipated the release of this movie by saying... "Let Remo D. see it first." Yep. You knew I would. 

So--you thought Rob Zombie's flickering "music-video" flashes in HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES were annoying? Try incessant flashes of the damn VIDEO GAME on which this "movie" is based! 

And... hold on... before I get started, let's not stop with Rob Zombie. Did any of you say anything bad about any filmmaker this year? It's okay to admit it--you did, right? Now, what I want you to do right now is make a nice, humble apology to that filmmaker you said anything bad about--especially if you suggested that he or his work approached "worst of the year" status. 

No. Not at all. There's much, much worse out there... and it's called HOUSE OF THE DEAD. 

I was lukewarm on RESIDENT EVIL. Do I even need to say that it's a masterpiece of zombie horror by comparison? Hell, this thing makes me want to give WRONG TURN another chance. 

Just plain horrendous, putrid writing (honest to God, they use "It's quiet... almost TOO quiet!"), and not clever enough to fool me into thinking it was deliberately hokey. Wretched characters. Excruciating, blinding editing that cuts away whenever something's about to "happen." George Romero invoked by name, but his rules not even ripped off appropriately. 

And the chairman of the board: the central fight scene as everyone converges on the house. 

My LORD! I don't think I've ever seen such a godawful sequence in my LIFE! Yet more "Matrix" crap. Video game flashes. Round and round and round. Grenades blowing up and zombies flying in front of the blasts. Over and over and over again. Soundtrack attempting to deafen. And it just goes ON like this! ON AND ON AND ON AND ON... 

I almost walked out on this thing. How could any movie so short be so incredibly long, boring, padded and STUPID? 

My friends, you couldn't make a worse movie than this if you TRIED. 

Congratulations, Boll Weevil, or Tidy Bowl, or Wee Wee Bowl, or whatever the hell your name is... you have finally set a new standard of awfulness. 

Everyone ELSE trying to make so-called horror films today? You owe this man a huge debt of thanks--your work is AUTOMATICALLY better. 

Think I'm kidding? Only one way to find out... but you'd better hurry.

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