Eight Legged Freaks

Of all the movies I wanted to LOVE! 

THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION was funnier and juicier (and more than scary enough for an eleven-year-old when it came out, I can assure you personally). KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS and even ARACHNOPHOBIA were more frightening. SPIDERS was just plain better. 

I could not BELIEVE how awful this thing was. It gets off to a typical, hope-giving start when a clumsy accident dumps a barrel of toxic waste into a pond... but then we meet the so-called "characters." 

Oh, Lord, the "characters" that populate this hick mining town (that might be sold to a greedy mining developer). Especially the damned KID! The bespectacled Poindexter that knows everything about spiders, etc. but complains out loud that nobody's going to believe him because he's a kid and nobody listens to the kid... get it? His rebellious older sister... and their (now) single mom, the sheriff, who's being shyly courted by David Arquette (look, he was in RAVENOUS and isn't a completely terrible actor, but his choice of projects lately?). Andlet's not forget the villain who conveniently spells everything out over the phone ("How would they like it if they found out we were dumping toxic waste without their knowledge?")--or the fact that they mention that the mine tunnels are filled with methane gas repeatedly in the first half of the film (gee, think it'll mean something later?). 

The dialogue is excruciating enough to make your ears bleed... and then come the effects. Ladies and gentlemen, Hicktown, USA is being invaded by a bunch of identical CARTOONS. 

They're kind of fun at first, until you realize that everything they're going to DO they've actually DONE in their first ten minutes on screen. Then it goes on... and on... and on... 

I'm not complaining that it's CGI (still love those REIGN OF FIRE dragons), just that it's unspecial, rammed down your throat CGI. 

But that's okay, because it's a COMEDY, right? Oh, Lord, the laughs just keep on coming! The cat's face makes a perfect "cat face" impression in the drywall when the spider keeps ramming its head into it! A spider takes a bite out of a stuffed moose head, gets mad and spits it out audibly! (Yeah, they roar and scream, too.) When the townspeople arm themselves, one of them grabs a chainsaw and a hockey mask! Oh, stop! Stop the insanity! You're KILLING me! 

If you're ten years old and you've never (I repeat NEVER) seen another giant spider movie, you might have some fun with this. For me, EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS is BATS stupid and MOTHMAN boring. 

Dammit. 

P.S. No points for guessing who gave the damn thing three stars... forgot to mention Doug E. Doug as the "consipiracy theory" radio show host (how many times can you say "anal probe?"), the Tom Noonan cameo (he IS good, I'll admit) and the sea of product placement in which the viewer is left to drown...

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