- Category: Reviews
- Written by Dave Kosanke
- Hits: 26
TINTORERA - (1977) - BEST FILM & VIDEO CORP
WHERE HOT SUMMER NIGHTS TURN INTO COLD TERROR! BLOODY WATERS! Just who the fuck are they trying to kid with exploitative lines like that? With video box art of a great white chomping on some bikinied babe, I knew this was some cool JAWS rip-off. What I wasn't prepared for was a fucking romance flick! Yes, ROMANCE!
The premise here (what I could make of it anyhow) is that three friends,Miguel, Steve, and Gabriella decide that they should share sex and adventure, but not jealously or love. That is pretty much all the story this one has to offer. What about the sharks you ask? Well, the ‘shark' is nothing more than a Tiger shark that seems to gulp down some hapless soul every half hour (so considering this is about a 90 movie, that is 3 people total). Since Miguel and Steve are ‘shark hunters' you get countless scenes of "real" sharks being shot, clubbed, and speared. Yes folks this is more akin to mondo territory. The gratuitous scenes of shark slaughter are not only pointless, but totally without redeeming value. I for one do NOT delight in seeing animals (any animal) fucking killed for real all in the name of "entertainment". No excuse. None. Did they really think all those fans of JAWS really wanted to see sharks killed for real? No dammit! We want some cheesy rubber shark chewing up people real good! The only cool bit of carnage is when that loser Miguel gets bitten in half and we see his lower torso (read: legs) sink to the bottom of the ocean! But for those expecting lots of gore, that is about all you get!
This whole disjointed affair seems only content with the actions of our three main leads (accompanied by some sappy love music) with some sharks thrown in for good measure. To add insult to injury, the video box proudly displays the name of Priscilla Barnes for top billing, and also states that "THREE'S COMPANY'S PRISCILLA BARNES IS SENSATIONAL!". BULLSHIT! Her screen time is limited to five minutes TOPS! Now since this was before she starred on that terrific sitcom (as the last blond roommate of Jack and Janet), I expected her to be a little more seedy. And indeed she does go topless. But it is during a dark scene, and she is only in the background, so who cares!?! What a waste! Not to mention bogus hyperbole!
You know what the worst injustice is about all of this ‘tho? The director is none other than Rene Cardona Jr., the same guy who helmed some of the wildest Mexi-monster films, (with the help of Rene Cardona Sr.) including BATWOMAN and NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES! Can it really be the same guy? If so, what in the hell did he think he was making? A JAWS rip-off? If that was indeed his goal, he failed, miserably. If his goal was to make some silly ‘threesome' romance flick, well it worked.
I could go on and on, but man, it is just no use. If you see this thing and feel it may result in some guilty pleasure, please DON'T DO IT!!! You have been warned!!!